This post is a reaction to the following article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200802u/gottlieb-interview
This was my response, a few days after I first read the article:
It's funny... it depends on how I interpret the article. When I first read it, I was... not offended... but put off by it. Of course I don't want to settle. I want to wait for love, and want to find someone who stimulates me, in a whole lot of ways. ; )
However, today I listened to a girl describing her romantic conundrum: she loves her boyfriend, but doesn't feel like he's what she wants; she has a great time with him, but he doesn't share her passion for local/organic food (although he supports it). And I found myself thinking, "Ah. Settle for less than your ideal. Her ideal isn't a real person, but this person she loves is." And I wondered if, in that sense, the idea of settling isn't a less onerous idea than I'd first thought.
So my current thought is that in a way, you must not settle- you must marry for love. But (funny how I'm echoing what I tell dance students) you must interact with the reality of your partner, not the ideal of what you thought you wanted. So in some sense, you have to settle, because there's not a "Mr. Right"- he's not coming in with red roses, a white horse, his shit together, and no baggage. He's coming from the same place you are: life.
-m.
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I hadn't seen the interview before reading your blog post, but I had read the article mentioned in that interview. It infuriated me enough that when a friend posted a link to that article in a discussion forum, I responded with a fairly lengthy post where I picked it apart bit by bit. Obviously that article touched a nerve. There's something about the idea of "settling" that seems incredibly wrong to me - akin to stabbing yourself in the soul. Part of what caused me to react so strongly to the article was the realization that that of all of the women I've dated, the ones I have regrets about are pretty much the ones I settled for, whereas the ones I still miss are those I really, really wanted in the first place.
The next morning I woke up with the word "choose" in my head, so strongly that it seemed like an omen of some kind. I had to ponder it for awhile before the meaning became clear. Whenever I settled for a relationship, I made myself a victim of circumstance. But when I chose a relationship it (in some sense) put me in a position of power over my destiny. And I was also able to accept responsibility for my choice, and therefore for doing my part to make the relationship work.
So my current theory is that settling for a relationship is a really bad idea, and that the thing to do is choose. This might mean choosing a relationship, or choosing to be single for the time being. Either choice is necessarily a compromise, but the thing to do is make the best of whatever choice is made.
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